I want to travel far far away with my guitar. I need a break from people.
My therapist said something really great the other day. I told her how I’ve struggled all my life to accept my traits, and how I don’t feel like I belong half the time. I grew up in a black neighborhood, and my schools were primarily white. So of course I thought ideal beauty was white people. Blonde, skinny white girls with small butts and giant boobs, who play field hockey and have slumber parties with other pretty girls. Here I was, a black girl with no tits and a huge ass, kinky curly hair, I couldn’t play sports for shit and I barely had any friends. I felt like an outsider. I carry it with me to this day because for some reason, most of my friends are still white. I guess I feel a little accepted among white people because they like the same kind of music I do, wear the same kind of clothes, etc. Black people have always called me out for “acting too white”. They think I dress funny, talk funny, and my hair is too nappy. So I really just don’t belong anywhere. My therapist said to me, “have you ever thought about changing your surroundings, maybe trying to make new friends? You know, just getting to know different kinds of people?” It’s the most obvious thing, but she’s right. How do you expect to see different kinds of beauty, when everyone around you represents the same beauty standards? It’s common sense, but maybe I need to forgive myself, and let go of the animosity I feel towards the black people who have rejected me in the past. I can make plenty of friends, and they won’t be so narrow minded.
And the other issue is that I see posts shitting on Iggy Azalea, Eminem, Miley Cyrus etc for “acting black” and I realize that it’s the same way on the other side. They’re not allowed to rap because apparently only black people rap. So I’m not allowed to listen to rock because only white people listen to rock? It’s ridiculous. I’m so sick of this “acting black”, “acting white” bullshit. How about you let people do whatever the fuck they want and stop turning everything into a goddamn sociology class about co-opting. Is Darius Rucker co-opting? I doubt anyone thinks that. Black people are not some alien specimen that white people need to demystify and sympathize with. I’m a fucking person and all I want is to enjoy life just like everybody else. It seems like people have gotten so PC to the point where they overdo it and become borderline offensive. I don’t know I’m just rambling at this point. I just hate everyone and everything right now.
I want to look hot tonight but not like a skank. What should I wear? I got invited to three parties and I’m going to all three. I never go out anymore!